By Patricia Ann 5/28/2022
Enduring narcissistic abuse...We are not alone!
Isaiah 46:3-4 “... you whom I have upheld since your birth and have carried since you were born.
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
You, my Lord, have indeed prepared a table for us in the presence of our enemies. You have always known our empathetic and gentle hearts. Heal our emotions, our minds and our bodies from all trauma, putting it all into the sea of forgetfulness... the trauma and pain. Bestow unto us the joy of your salvation and give unto us beauty for ashes. It is indeed in You that we have learned to trust and reside... for our lives depend on you, my Lord. May we sing praises to Your name in the midst of pain and raise up in victory in new song, renewed and refreshed. Our relationship with You, Jesus, is indeed Sacred and in that we can find rest in Your care forever! Thank you for loving each of us the very Most.
This is for those of us who have endured the hardship and pain of abuse, which is NOT our Portion.
Our Portion is Love, Life, Health and Liberty from abusive situations.
It may seem like we are alone, but the reality is that in the midst of the torment confusion and hell,
we have Jesus and we have each other!
It seems that through all of the abuse we have endured... we come to know Jesus even more intimately. We are indeed His Bride and He will always love us the Most. Sometimes, I would get lost in emotions and Jesus always brought me back unto Himself. And my abuser scoffed at my recovery...
I read somewhere, "Don’t try to manage a malignant narcissist, manage them out of your life."
I understand this. Narcissist seek out the empathetic because we have what they don't.
I have seen and felt the empty darkness and fear in my abuser's soul... a void so cold and vast.
I have cried tears for him, but not with him because he is incapable of crying.
I have heard him call the devil his father and still stayed to love and minister and share the love of Jesus.
It is a disorder and it leads to dis order. When he was "acting" insane, I stayed by his side to "help" him, to minister to him, to love him. He hated, mocked and ridiculed my attempts. Did he want me to be his savior?
All I could do was lead Him to Jesus, but it is his choice to choose Jesus as his Savior and stop expecting me to be a savior that I cannot be. Jesus is my Lord and Savior and he knows that.
When I was on my knees in physical and emotional pain, Jesus met me and told me that my relationship with Him is sacred, but my relationship with man is not. Living this life in my husband's internal hell was never my portion.
My abuser kept telling me that he didn't understand why..."I'm the only one he ever treated this way."
Extreme narcissistic, anger and rage...so cold and heartless at times, then repenting...then cold and heartless again...so cold. He said it was me, but my heart was breaking. He didn't seem to have a heart, no empathy, no remorse.
All I could do was cry. All he could do was lie. It takes time to recover.
I think they say it in an effort to make us feel like we are faulty somehow. If we're the "only one", surely we are the problem. It's a mind game they play.
He was jealous of my ministry I had, (he sabotaged it and me) jealous of my artistic talents, jealous of my relationship with family and friends, jealous of My love and desire for Jesus (the One who loves me the Most). Envious, covetous and jealous, he wanted what everyone else had, but wouldn't work to get it, wouldn't even try.
I didn't see it for so long. I only saw that I loved that man I knew in our beginning and I did everything and I made every excuse possible for why he was emotionally hurting me.
Then, his anger and rage increased. On my days I felt better, he manifested his true, insecure self and the intensity of it all was emotionally penetrating. Somehow, I always felt powerless to walk away...nowhere to go, my dogs to care for and the stress of it all.
It was a struggle to get my life and my health and my family back together.
When I finally told him he needed to go, he wanted to stay.
He would tell me that he loves me and that I am beautiful, but treat me like I am ugly, worthless and never good enough. He apologized, but never meant it. It never stopped. It continued as a horrible cycle of abuse.
There is no abuse in love...it is a mind game.
One morning, I found my inner strength and I told him "No more".
Sad thing is that I really, truly, loved him once. And yes.
He kept telling me that he didn't understand why... "I'm the only one he ever treated this way."
Extreme narcissist, anger and rage...so cold and heartless at times, then repenting...then cold and heartless again...so cold. He said it was me, but my heart was breaking. He didn't seem to have a heart, no empathy, no remorse. All I could do was cry. All he could do was lie.
It takes time to recover and to understand that it was all intentional! He sought to fill his void with me...all of me.
We really have no choice if we want to survive, but to emotionally disconnect from the narcissistic games.
I learned that emotionally responding is fuel to their demented soul. Narcissists need our tears, our sorrow, our pain as fuel.
They desire to control every aspect of who we are!
It seems hard to believe that we are actually a food source in their attempt to fill a cold, vast internal emptiness.
It is so sad that they possess a void that lacks the love of our Father, the only One who can save them from themselves!
My narcissist always told me what a gentle little lamb I was, shortly before another abusive attack.
We truly are gentle.... you and me. That is why they targeted us, why they married us. Somehow, they became bullies and because we are gentle, we are not prepared for the battle that ensues as they seek to steal our light, our life, and
our emotions.
We have to starve them by controlling our own emotions and staying aware of their sly intent to manipulate our emotions for their food.
They don't feel good, when we feel good! That's true!
I know, this is not easy.
As nurturers, we are sometimes blinded by our desire to help, to love our way through the pain, always believing the lie.
But one day we wake up. God wakes us up!
Our Lord gently starts bringing us back unto Himself, with that soft and gentle Love that has aways been our Portion.
It took me years to get to this point - to get to this understanding that I am sharing with you.
Just know that Love is our Portion. Look for love in everything. Sing praises to our Creator. Smile and
find laughter. He has placed joy into our being.
Our inner-most self, filled with ALL of our Father's love isn't gone from us.
It has just been waiting, laying dormant under the pain... waiting to become re-awakened by His gentle love.
But in enduring this narcissistic abuse...We are not alone!
It may seem like we are alone, but the reality is that in the midst of the torment, confusion and hell,
we have Jesus and we have each other!
There is Hope for a better tomorrow and it can start today!
We are stronger than we know!
And we can rest in the knowledge that Jesus is our Real, True Husband.
Jesus is the One who we can Trust to always love us the Most!
My prayer for today is that we offer forgiveness to our abusers. Father forgive them!
You, my Lord, have indeed prepared a table for us in the presence of our enemies. You have always known our empathetic and gentle hearts. Heal our emotions, our minds and our bodies from all trauma, putting it all into the sea of forgetfulness... the trauma and pain. Bestow unto us the joy of your salvation and give unto us beauty for ashes. It is indeed in You that we have learned trust and we reside in your presence... for our lives depend on you, my Lord. May we sing praises to Your name in the midst of pain and raise up in victory in new song, renewed and refreshed. Our relationship with You, Jesus, is indeed Sacred and in that we can find rest in Your care forever! Thank you for loving each of us the very Most.
Love and blessings to ALL for healed and refreshed hearts in Christ Jesus. Amen.
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